There are few things in life worse than chronic diarrhea

I've been plagued with diarrhea since last Friday night (Dec 30th). I went to bed hoping it was a one time thing but had a rude wake up on Saturday morning when I had to jump out of bed, sprint to the bathroom, and deal with the grim reality that, once again, I'd be locked in a winner takes all death match with The Runs on New Years Eve (yes, this happened once before in 2002). As a savvy veteran I immediately ingested some Imodium and before I went out for the night I drank an entire bottle of Pepto. After all, the mission is to salvage NYE and worry about tomorrow when the time comes. So I completely avoided encountering The Runs on NYE and enjoyed myself, and had even more fun on New Years Day as I plopped down on my couch and watched football and drank cocktails all day long. The Runs did not rear its ugly head and seemed to be down for the count.

Then yesterday happened. A day in which I set my own single day personal records for the following: most toilet flushes (who knows), most public toilets used (3), going through an entire roll of toilet paper in another person's house, most wipes, and probably worst smell I've ever produced. I used public toilets at a restaurant, a skating rink, and a movie theater. I destroyed my girlfriend's bathroom like four times. I'm a guy who usually enjoys going into the bathroom and having a nice giggi. By the end of the day I was terrified of eating ANYTHING in fear of having to sit down on the toilet again. I was watching "Moneyball" in a movie theater and had to get up and disappear for 15 minutes. I went to sleep praying the worst was behind me.

I just finished my first full day of work after the holidays and if you looked at my Google history it would just read "what to eat while you have diarrhea", "imodium ad", "how to fight diarrhea", and similar search terms. I've been running to the bathroom so often I think the security guard is getting suspicious. The Runs are just dominating my life right now and I'm completely helpless to defend myself. I surrender. I'm going right to the store after work and stockpiling Imodium, bananas, applesauce, and blueberries. Apparently this is what my diet is limited to. I won the NYE battle, but The Runs got the last laugh. This is awful.