Two little rats fell into a hot bucket in Harrenhal...

welcome to historic harrenhal. we have a bit of a rat problem.

(spoiler warning... don't read if you have yet to see the latest episode of Game of Thrones)

Two little rats fell into a hot bucket in Harrenhal... one of them gave up and died immediately. The second rat, wouldn't quit. He struggled so hard that eventually he clawed and chewed his way through a human torso....but probably also died in the abdomen of the torture victim...

cersie lannister has been sleeping with my friend jack barnes

i have to say, as someone who read the books, i pretty much never felt too creeped out by HBO's take on the series.... even when the added scenes that were not in the book.... but i have got to hand it to them. they added two scene that had me fidgeting like a madman (no, not like roger sterling on LSD).

they were both fantastic additions.    #1 joffrey's scene was perfect for further displaying what a psychotic little shit this boy king is... (probably more than anything he did in the books).... and #2 the torture scenes in harrenhal... GOOD GOD. there have been countless torture scene done in the history of films and television, and i do not think i have ever been as grossed out and simultaneously terrified by one as much as i was last night.... and it was all 100% in my mind. 

i cannot get it out of my head, and they never even showed any gore... just screaming, and you mind getting f'd with.... just an unreal torture scene...

then of course we have the smoke baby, clearly a distant relative of the smoke monster... the only reason i can be sure that they are not the same is because the birth of this smoke baby did not result in the man in black getting shot out of a separate hole (eww).... this was a pretty dead on interpretation of the events in the book - and signifies the show has taken a pencil dive into the deep end of the fantasy fiction genre. if you can stick with the show through that... then i think you can probably make it through everything else that will be thrown at you. (though that's not a guarantee, as shit continues to get pretty weird, plus Martin still has at least two more books to write)

even though the battles have yet to be show in their full glory, i thought the latest one was pretty well done (with another added scene that had me squirming like an idiot)....  plus for the most part, the battles to not take up a lot of space in the books... of course, the looming full scale battle is a huge part of the book - and as long as they do that justice on screen, i'll be happy.

The Empanadas are PEOPLE!!!!

gross, there's a hair in my human meat!

Charlton Heston got off easy....

apparently some couple in brazil has been luring people to their homes (by advertising for a nanny position)... killing them... then making empanadas out of them.... then selling them to their neighbors....

well then.

i felt two things when i read this. 1)obviously 'the empanadas are people!!!!'

and 2) damn... i liked empanadas.. i will probably never eat another one again.... is there a faster way to get turned off a food by thinking its made of human flesh? <edit: 3) yeah, this is a super heinous crime.. actually that was probably #1... then heston.... then how i can never eat empanadas again)>

billy bob, we've discussed extensively on how cannibals are more terrifying than zombies... being one of them by accident, even if prepared with a juicy gravy and encased in a sweet flaky pastry, with a side of sriracha sauce... mmmmm

wait,, what was i talking about?.. oh yeah, cannibalism is bad.

if you read the story, you will see that the accidental cannibal neighbors burned the house down of the accused murderers/experimental chefs... i never thought i'd ever consider burning someones house down as a reasonable reaction to something... yet here we are.

they should have hired out the people of walnut grove. those people know how to demolish a neighborhood home.

Groupon: Pranksters or Morons?

ed norton is involved, so there is a good chance this is an intentional joke, or he's a schizo....

yet again another fantastic email from groupon today... they are going all out for the earths 400th birthday! tons of 'going green deals' to help the earth get to its 401st birthday!

this has gotta be a joke right? i know i've already received groupons for bars that don't exist anymore, but this one is far to ludicrous to be an accident.

groupon is mocking you, mr gore!

i mean, i know there are a ton of environmentalists our there saying the earth is dying..  but i agree with groupon that the earth looks great for it's age. not a day over 400.... still,  no one is believing the earth's ID claiming it was born in 1612.  (it also says its a iceberg doner).... mclovin had a better fake ID.

Introducing the "crawling helmet"

Seems some parents are so concerned about the rate at which their babies are ambling about the living room that they are purchasing crawling helmets for their high velocity tots. The sales pitch for the crawling helmet includes mention of hardwood and tile floors, implying that responsible parents protect defenseless children from these horrors.






Leash? Check. Helmet? Check. Totally unprepared for life? Check.

To paraphrase El Pres, the sissification of America continues. What an embarrassment. American parents are raising an entire generation what we used to call "those kids". The ones that wore more saftey equipment than you could ever possibly need, applied sunblock and bug spray all the time, and generally made you wonder if they were made of glass. At some point in their lives children need to find out what pain feels like - its life's greatest teacher.

Littlefinger's brothel is dark and full of terrors

I'm just going to start posting random thoughts about Game of Thrones: Season 2. Not necessarily a recap, and I promise to not include any spoilers, this will really just be a place to post comments about this season which I'm finding to be extremely entertaining. (Background: with the exception of 'Clash of Kings' - which I let someone borrow and never got back - I've read all of these at least twice. So, yeah, huge nerd for GOT.)

- As much of a nozzle Theon is, the running gag of not one person having any clue who he is - or not caring once they find out - is fantastic. Even when all the Northmen declared Robb the King in the North, and Theon laid down his sword...it almost deflated the entire scene. All the other bannermen seemed to be snickering..."Oh, phew...we have Theon now! Lets hope he can persuade his lunatic family to join our cause..this is a great idea!" The Iron Islands, like Philly in the US, are the armpit of Westeros. Just awful.

- I still have no idea what was going on in Littlefinger's brothel. Peepholes, mulitiple jam sessions, veiled/not so veiled threats against Shae...it was like a bizarro version of HBO's "Cathouse". Was Dennis Hof consulted for this episode?? He should've been.

- Well, I think everyone who was worrying about how the direwolves looked last season can shut their mouth...Grey Wind last week, Ghost this week - they are badass. Looking forward to seeing some MacGruber-esque throat rips.

- If their verbal exchange was a game of cyvasse, I think Tyrion put Janos Slynt in check in about 2 moves (or whatever it is you do to win that game). Going to be very interesting to watch Tyrion continue to spar with Varys, Littlefinger, and the rest of the Small Council over the next few weeks - Ned Stark he is not.

- I enjoy getting the occasional glimpse into the batshit crazy mind of Cersei from time to time. Did she really blame Tyrion for Jaime's current position? Yes, the Lannisters went to war because the Starks snatched Tyrion...but, uh, maybe if Cersei hadn't been jamming her brother, had a litter of bastards, and finally watched/encouraged the act of Bran getting chucked off a roof...there would be no war in the first place. When Salador Saan named Cersei as part of his price for helping Stannis, I was really hoping Davos was going to say, "What...whoa, um...well, better idea - how about I hook you up with a free week's stay at Littlefinger's Cat House instead?"

- The Houses of Westeros contain some of most dysfunctional family dynamics in tv history...and I feel like everyone tends to look past the Baratheons. How awful would it have been to grow up in this family? Yeah, Bob, Stan, and Renly - nothing but good times with them, I'm sure. I wouldn't be surprised if their was a 4th brother who joined the Night's Watch just to get away from this disaster. Its a never-ending toughening up process with them...noogies, paralysis, declaring war on each other...the wacky Baratheon brothers are at it again!

                                                                                                                                                          
i had some additional thoughts , but did not want to put them in the mere comment section.
so they are below these orange lines....  - cobblestone

                                                                                                                                                          

good stuff, billy bob...

little fingers brothel.... good gods.

i almost had the rare laugh/barf (larf?) from that little hankey-wipe, make-out altercation.  thats something you know the show creators were laughing their asses off when they threw that little touch... gross.

nice doggy... i heard you're named after a swayze movie. is your name too wong fu?

ghost looked phenomenal... my concern is the two shots we saw of the direwolves they were standing almost motionless... as if shots of them actually running/fighting might be too expensive - and we wont get to see that... so here are some stationary shots just so everyone knows the direwolves are here....

and to add onto to cersei - big props for her "his wife's is in a coma" style joke to tyrion.  here is old tyrion, zinging her left and right like he's rielly at a yankees/firestone meeting - and cersei drops the "oh yeah, well i slept with your wife" record scratcher on the imps giant dome.  tyrions is usually the one who does the outwitting, but this round goes to cersei.

Isiah Booted by FIU... Isiah shocked... rest of the world, not so much

"i'm with stupid"... not sure who said it

this article is a beaut... i mean, these quotes are just phenomenal. the whole thing sums up what a sorry post-playing career zeke has had... the only thing i do not enjoy about this is that we can be sure to have more 'isiah to the knicks' rumors because james dolan is an idiot, and thomas is now unemployed...


"When I was in Toronto, I was trying to buy a team and I left. When I was in Indiana, Larry Bird told me that he liked what I was doing but he was closer to Rick Carlisle. The whole thing in New York was crazy. This is the first time someone told me that I was being fired for basketball reasons." - Isiah

i mean, thats just awesome... maybe this was the first time he ws fired for only basketball reasons...

Thomas aided the Knicks during free agency in the summer of 2010, speaking to LeBron James and trying to sell him on choosing New York. James eventually signed with the Miami Heat.

yep... yep yep yep yep....there is seemingly no ends to this morons self delusions.... but then again, are they really delusions if he has jimmy dolan ready and willing to cut him a paycheck?

and thats what so scary... in my mind there is no doubt this dope will wind up working for the knicks again... on the bright side, like isiah said, he can get himself fired for non basketball reasons. so lets just hope he is making non-basketball decisions.  and that he gets fired again.

Frenchskin?

I saw this pic a few months ago when Pierre Garcon signed with the Redskins and I'm pretty sure I stopped breathing for a few seconds - I was caught completely off guard. I guess the play of Garcon is what's going to dictate my final feelings on the matter...because if he sucks, I'll be burning the crap out of this picture. Let's hope it works out. Viva Garcon!

*I bet the French and Indians really wish they had this logo on their hats and flags during the French and Indian War. Its so cool...we'd probably all be eating baguettes right now.

Caps clinch playoff spot after season of total chaos

Nothing like waiting til the second to last game of the season to clinch a playoff spot. Hey, I think I've endured quite a lot as a sports fan the last 20 years of my life but I can't remember a season in recent memory as agonizing and torturous as this 2011-2012 Caps season. As the season progressed the only thing that was certain about this team was their total unpredictability. Players hurt, free agents sucking, coaches fired, and more "must win" games than I ever want to experience for the rest of my life.

A lot of dark twists and turns have plagued the Caps playoff journey

Yet, somehow, not only did this preseason Stanley Cup favorite just lock up the 8 seed...they are 1 win away from snatching the Southeastern Division from the free-falling Panthers. Which is not something I feel tremendously good about - its more of a sigh of relief that I can relax for about a week before the playoffs start. Because lets be clear - this was a nightmare of a regular season for the Caps. After ripping off 7 straight W's to start the season, nothing went according to plan for the next 5-6 months. They never successfully turned the proverbial corner, never established an identity (unless you count a maniacal schizophrenic as an identity), basically never instilled confidence that they could go on any sort of run. It was mostly the opposite feeling...like I was constantly fighting the urge to hurl every time I tuned in for a Caps game.

Even last night after they went up 3-0 there was not a Caps fan on Earth who felt the lead was safe. And rightly so. The stupid Panthers promptly scored 2 goals in the 2nd and 3rd periods and I felt yet another wave of nausea hit me. And although they pulled it out (Semin's money shot iced it to go up 4-2), Neuvirth went down in a heap leaving the goaltending situation to Braden Holtby and....(crickets)....yeah, pretty much just Holtby going into the playoffs (who I like, but I don't think anyone thinks he can carry the team on a playoff run). Great.




It feels preposterous that Caps fans have been forced to resign themselves to "just happy to be here" status for the playoffs - but that's exactly the toll this season has exacted on a fanbase that has wanted/expected a Cup run for the past 4-5 years...now the Caps are in the playoffs again, but under a entirely different set of circumstances and expectations. Who hell knows what this team is going to do, but my barf bag will never be far away.

The Mets: The Movie!

I find it impossible not to get a little excited about opening day... even when its a season that has a bleak outlook... baseball is back, and that's always fun.... granted its more fun when you think the team has got a legit shot at a title, but every year some team seems to come out of nowhere to compete... and this year i hope the mets can do that.

if not, i still have fantasy baseball.

as a defense mechanism, mets fans have to have a sense of humor... otherwise you are simply going to have a nervous breakdown... so for laughs i started to imagine the mets/madoff saga as a movie.... i have not decided if it should be a comedy or an unintentionally funny drama.

at any rate, i put out a casting call and have most of the main roles filled out for "The Mets: The Movie!"

first up , the role of Fred Wilpon. look no further than that great Larry Hankin. (carl from billy madison... also the guy who played kramer on 'jerry' on seinfeld).

Jeff Wilpon: "Dad, the news is saying we are involved in a ponzi scheme... what does that mean?
Fred: "Uh..... I dunno"

The younger wilpon needs to have the acting chops to play comedy with a dash of nervous and crazy. perfect for Crispin Glover!.

jeff wilpon: "dad, we should sign jason bay!"
fred: "what? why"
jeff: "darth vader came down from planet vulcan and said he would melt my brain if we didn't sign jason bay"
fred: "well, we can't have that"

There are rumors that robert deniro has been cast to play Bernie Madoff in a film, but i've got a better one. Bob Gunton. Warden Norton would knock this one out of the park (after they moved the fences in, obviously)... I have no idea what bernie was like behind closed doors, but i would have gunton be such an over the top villian - just like norton.

fred: "bernie... things have gotten real bad with our money. we need this to stop"
bernie: "Nothing stops. Nothing... or you will do the hardest time there is. No more protection from the SEC. They'll pull you out of that brand new stadium and cast you down with the Pirates! You'll think you've been f'd by the 7 Train! And Jose Reyes? Gone... you'll be sealed off from all the free agents, brick by brick. We'll have us a little ticket barbecue in centerfield. They'll see the flames for miles. We'll dance around it like Cleveland Indians! You understand me? Catching my drift?... Or am I being obtuse?"

terrifying stuff. 

but the beacon of light has got to be Sandy Alderson. we need an actor who can deliver cruelly harsh lines, but at the same time be a calming force. this role was made for John Terry, most well known for his role as Christian Shephard on 'Lost'.... This is a guy who made me feel ok that everyone was dead at the end of Lost... he's gotta be able to pull off Alderson.

Jeff Wilpon: "You think you can fix this franchise? Are you for real?
Sandy : " I sure hope so. Yeah, I'm real. You're real. Everything that's happened to you is real. All those people in the stands, they're all real too"

in an odd bit of coincidence (or fate?) the role of Terry Collins will be played by the actor Jack Shepherd.  As far as i know, his best bit of work came as the convict mechanic "Dysart" in the underrated ray liotta movie "No Escape".

sandy: "you don't waste time, do you Mr. Collins?"
collins: "The components are made here in florida and then assembled in queens."

So the actors who are playing the mets GM and manager remind me of 'Lost' and 'No Escape'.

terrific. 

While all of the players can't be main characters, we need to have a few.  What better role for Russel Crowe to push his boundaries, and exploring a complicated character than by taking on the role of RA Dickey?  mountain climbing, knuckle balling, star wars quoting ace! I think this could be an oscar nomination for Crowe.

RA Dickey: "Three weeks from now, I will be harvesting my crops. Imagine where you will be, and it will be so! Keep your eye on the ball! Stay with me! If you find yourself alone, riding in the green fields with the sun on your face, do not be troubled. For you are in Queens! and you're already dead"

There have been reluctant heroes in films before... but its a tough role to play the good-natured reluctant villain... but that's the role of Jason Bay.  The guy for this is Aaron Stanton, better known as Ken Cosgrove from Mad Men.

Jason Bay: 'They want us to hate each other, Lucas. I refuse to participate in that"

we also need a tragic figure. Johnny Galecki gets to expand his dramatic range as Daniel Murphy.

Murphy: "I broke my leg again turning two" 






so that's the most of the cast for The Mets: The Movie!... barring copyright law, i think maybe we should steal the tagline from wayne's world for this one. You'll Laugh. You'll Cry. You'll Hurl.... or maybe something much simpler and comically depressing:

whatever, i'm still fired up for the opener. Lets Go Mets Go!

Now, THATS a direwolf!

give me.... a keg... of ale

one thing seems to be clear after the premier of season 2 of Game of Thrones....(and its not the plot)  it;s the fact that last seasons success had afforded them a healthier budget this time around.

and i am only basing that on the vastly improved look of robb starks direwolf... last season grey wind looked like a large husky... this season, its the size of a small horse.... awesome.... i hope they do the same with ghost, summer and shaggy.

also the brief look we got at drogon the dragon looked really good as well.

this season will has a much larger need for digital effects, so this is a good sign... i seriously hope they keep enough cash to fund the monstrous battle on the horizon. we do not want to skip right to the aftermath of the battle of the blackwater